If a newb is hungry, feed him humbug.

Many years ago, when I was a kid, I had a better physique. This, I say, was because of a really famous outdoor game that involves lots of  'running' and 'chasing'. As the complex I lived in was really spacious, it had a not-so-big playground which is now A Country for Old Men, it allowed tons of freedoms and provided the versatility needed for our rules. Unlike the traditional 'Running and Chasing' games, our game didn't involve counting upto ten and then busting the running dudes. Simple rule: Catchers count till 1000 and runners can hide 'anywhere' in the complex. Thanks to the then-existing water problem and maintenance issues, house occupancy was really low. Hence, we had many of the balconies for ourselves. Ask any of my flatmates (if you know them) which is the most safest hiding spot and all their answers would be 'Rain Forest.' Rain Forest was the name given to the area between the buildings and the compound-walls few feet away as it had lots of herbs, trees, and street mongrels. The name was perfect;  it described the area (not really, we were kids back then), it added a new element to our game, and most of all it was widely accepted that it spread like a forest-fire (right now I'm imagining how it would be if a rain forest catches fire). The rate of acceleration of that name per second was greater than that of a silly college rumour.

   But two things fascinate me even today: 1.Almost every tree I bump into had a nail, 2.The wide acceptance of the name. The reason for a hammered nails on trees is that each nail traps the escape of evil spirits which are trapped inside the tree. This was the reason given by many of the 'rumoro-phillic' uncles and aunties; I got to say, they nailed it. Well, I will come to the latter really soon. Hang on.

 Top Mumbo Jumbos:

 You're familiar with famous misconceptions like Undertaker has 7 lives, cats have nine lives, all engineering students have good future, Chetan Bhagat has a good writing career and Honey Singh is Indian Eminem. Whenever I open my Facebook or Whatsapp I see some mindlessly stupid posts. I have listed below the mumbo jumbos that get on my nerve... every time.

1)Mumbo jumbo: Facebook's likes cure cancer, feed people, gratify ego.

 

How to practice the mumbo jumbo: 

Post a really horrific photo of terribly photoshopped Miley Cyrus. Ask for likes.

Post a photo of starving African kids, and plead for likes. (Optional) Take a bite from Snickers.

Politely ask your friends to like your post. Message everyone in your friend list. Usually, 'Bhai like do,' works but 'Please like my post dear' has lately come into fashion.

Fun fact: Having a great number of Facebook likes doesn't make you a big-shot. It doesn't make you more caring towards the sufferings. And most of all, it doesn't satisfy your ego. The reason is Facebook sucks. Go out, feed the poor, HELP THE NEEDY AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WALL.

2)Mumbo jumbo: Whatsapp is a messaging application that is free only for a certain period of time. But don't worry let us forward this and extend our warranty. Yay!

How to practice the mumbo jumbo:

 Make a really lengthy message like 'Whatsapp is a Swedish application developed by Billy Zuckeriblonde while eating cheese cakes. But scientists have abandoned the quest to save people suffering from incurable diseases and have come up with a plan, Forward. If you do so () will turn into )( and your screen will turn bright grey colour. It happened for me.' Bonus points for making a more crappy forward message.

Fun fact: Whatsapp never expires. When was the last time you heard your friend say, ' I just extended my Whatsapp validity using Google wallet,' ? Well, your validity automatically gets extended. Which means you have millions of years to continue this forward tradition.... for free.

3)Mumbo jumbo: I'm a Grammar Nazi and I find you're sentence offensive.

How to practice the mumbo jumbo:

Pretend you know something about Nazi and a lot about grammar. 

Pretend you have read every classics of English literature.

Point out the mistakes in a really rude way;add bad words too. Adding insult to injury makes you a more socially acceptable retard.

Copy a famous quote and post it. Note: Make adjustment such that people think the quote really belongs to you.

Fun fact:

It's really easy to spot douches who pretend they know everything. Next time I see one, I am punching him/her on the face.

Note: I respect the real Grammar Nazi's even if they're impolite as most of my friends are Grammar Nazi's.

4)Mumbo jumbo:Wikipedia has everything.

How to practice the mumbo jumbo:

Open www.wikipedia.org.

Type your homework topics.

Copy the content and paste it in your sheet.

And wish wikipedia and google, 'happy teachers day'.

Fun fact: Well, wikipedia is truly a wonderful encyclopedia. But, as you  may know, it's an open source meaning anyone can edit it. So, for accurate knowledge about a subject, do visit your nearest library. And google is just a search engine. Well, here are is an informative site you might love. I've linked two of the topics I came across.

Peter Dinklage

Encyclopedia

5)Mumbo jumbo: Whatsapp protest can overthrow anything.

How to practice the mumbo jumbo:

Choose an appropriate date.

Frame a coercing text like, ' due to constant whatsapp messaging, the gold rate has gone down. So let us all protest. Yay!!'

Tell them Modi wants their data pack turned off. If possible ask them to turn off wifi too.

Fun fact: I'm out of words. nadatunga da nadatunga.

 Do you remember about how the name of a waste space spread like an epidemic? I was telling you about that in my first paragraph, right? When people blindly find it appealing, they accept. A small kid could make the name 'rain forest' so famous because it was appealing. When more number of people start using the name, others get used to it. Just like a situation-comedy show. Have you ever tried watching a sit-com sans the 'laughter track' ? Laughter track is the response of people recorded when the act is played live. This is played during the show to induce an effect; laughing. That's how all these internet misconceptions spread. When more number of people share a photo of some brain-tumour, people get induced and they share too. When more number of people are doing something in the internet, others follow it as it is the new 'cool'. Ice Bucket Challenge had a good intention, but it was converted into a fun Facebook event.

   Now, please forward this article to 15 others, else your screen will turn blue and the spirits will trap you into a mango tree.

A theory that's so catastrophic !

  How Indian cinemas work? Curious ? Okay, imagine that the film directors are writing a screenplay examination. Now there are few who write on their own, some who are dependent on these fellas, some are too cool to write anything at all (Mass hero script, maybe!) and some who bring ready made answer sheets probably borrowed from an alumnus.Wait. No, I'm not talking about 'Oru Kanniyum blah blah blah.' And I have no
idea about it's original (is it 12-B? Man I've no idea).

 Now that if you've watched these films and the concept (singular) was appealing, then you might like this theory too. I'm not going to talk about how each and every second is important as I have no idea about that. But I am going to talk about (Marvel fans. Prepared to be surprised.) parallel universe.

  

 This many-worlds theory, also called as Catastrophe Theory, states that there is an infinite number of universes that are influenced by the past that could have happened in our universe but did not. So basically there's an universe where greatest singers like Justin Bieber, Drake, Lil Wayne give up singing soon after realizing they are good at Farmville. Alas, people would definitely miss their voices. 

  And there's an universe where movies have actual plot, Vijay Tv serials are watchable, and my articles are readable. In a parallel India, parents no more force their children to choose engineering (or medicine). I guess you get it. The other day, during my GenaralCourse examination, I was imagining a story about how a small hero brings a big difference to the world. An universe, where listening to the music is forbidden, filled with music compressor everywhere and me destroying these compressors with an ultrasonic fusion guitar might be too much to hear but I'm willing to give this story to the producer if he agrees to make me the hero of the film.

 It's not just me. Everyone would've had such vivid imaginations. And 'what would have happened if I had taken the other path?' is a question that arises in each and everyone's mind. Rewind your memory to a 'last bunked the class' location (make use of the Animus if you have one). It's a grey Friday, and you're too lazy to get up and attend the class. So what do you do? 
 Track 1. <You go back to sleep> <Wake up an hour later> <Boring serials on the television> <You already finished watching Breaking Bad> <The next Game Of Thrones episode is not aired yet> <And you think 'I shouldn't have bunked. At least I would been with my friends'><Regret mode activated>

Track 2. <You get up from your bed hesitantly> <Student mode activated; Get ready in 10 minutes> <Go to college and realize first hour is GC> <Your bestie is on leave> <No fun with friends> <And you think 'I shouldn't have come. At least I would have watched television programs'> <Regret mode activated>

There are infinite number of tracks with infinite number of alternatives. But there's one ideal track that remains constant. In every universe. i.e

Ideal Track. <You go back to sleep/You get up from your bed> <Wake up an hour later/Get ready in 10 minutes> <Boring serials on the television/Go to college and realize first hour is GC> <And you think 'It's a path I've chosen. And I respect my decision>

 What do you think about the ideal track? A decision always doesn't lead to 'happily ever after.' To be precise no decision leads to 'happily ever after.' You have to make your life happily ever after. It's you who have to respect your decisions. Respect yourself.  At the same time if you want to ruin your life and it's entirely your decision, happily ruin your life. But do not blame the society. Because it's your decision. 

  Life is like an MRPG (Massive Role Playing Game). There are several paths to be taken, there are several decisions to be made, but only that this game offers no quick save, quick load, restart (There's a quit button. Use it <EVIL LAUGH> Wait just kidding. Don't give up). This is one of such games for which prima didn't make money by selling walk-through guide. It's a game where there are beautiful musics, movies,video games, novels, comics, animes, people,nature,art and so on. It's a game -- okay you get it already. 

 So if you're thinking about how dull your life is, if you're still immersed in the alternate reality, in your parallel universe, my advice for you is; wake up. Because there's no alternate reality. The theory itself is catastrophic. If you have chosen a path and are thinking about why you missed some other path, remember it's not going to be better or worse. It's going to be same as this one provided you do not regret taking the path. So my friends, if you are reading this article and regret reading this (I don't regret writing this even though it sucks) remember you chose this path(and there's a next time). Enjoy your game. 

P.S: In an alternate universe I'm an invincible superhero.
       

Subtitle: An article that's so catastrophic !

Writer: Srivittal 
  

  

A Newb's Blog !!

As the title suggests, this is the first blog by a newb who's new to the informative side of internet. Therefore, let me keep this short and simple. And if at all you find any sentence that seems overly exaggerated, then take it as sarcasm.

 The idea of blogging came to my mind very recently. I was frustrated by the silly chain messages (according to which I'm a freaking potato now) which are found literally everywhere (by everywhere I mean facebook, whatsapp, and indeed my inbox). If only these chain messages existed during Indian war of Independence, it would have been a landslide victory believe me ! Yes, what we lack in quality we make up in stupidity.

  Coming to the point. Last week, frustrated by facebook and other useless addictive sites, I signed up in Twitter. Though I don't remember my username and password now (thank god there's 'remember me' option), I find it really useful and informative. You can bump into so many intelligent people. Just then I came across a mind blowing article about a scientist named Robert E. Cornish who resurrected dead hounds in 1933. The principle was that the brain stays alive for 8-10 minutes even after the person is dead.
 Probably, the scientist was inspired by the movie 'The Source Code'.Seems legit.

 But the hounds that were resurrected were brain dead. Blimey, zombies are real it seems ! He then thought of testing the experiment on humans. An inmate offered his body for resurrection after his execution but then the California Law Enforcement rejected the idea fearing it would free the prison inmate under 'Double Jeopardy' act. Long Live America !

 Eventually Cornish ended up selling toothpastes. That's progression in America.

 A good start. But this article made me feel lame. Why didn't I sign up earlier ? Why wasn't I polishing my knowledge like others ? Better late than never. And upon cross checking, I came to know smart people have the habit of writing and maintaining blogs. Well, let me rephrase it. People who write blogs pretend to be smart. (Did you know, 90% of the people who blog call themselves as writer/author ?) So here I am. Pretending to write a blog to appear smart (FAIL).
       
ALERT: AFTER READING THE BELOW PARAGRAPH, TRY BREATHE IN AND BREATHE OUT EXERCISE TO STAY COOL.

 Another reason why I'm posting this blog without hesitation is Justin Bieber. Yes, you read it correctly. Last night when I was going through the Tweets, a celebrity's profile with 50.5 million followers appeared. And it was Justin Bieber's profile (Wait. Please don't close the window.Not yet.). This motivated me. If Justin can get 50.5 million followers in Twitter why can't I get a good number of views for my blog (If you have read till here, THANK YOU!).

 I guess I have bored you already. If you are still reading this through, please drop a comment.

Thanks.

A Blog By : Srivittal (Writer/Author)